What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 21.06.2025 12:26
Im still living with it.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
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They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
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Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
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As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I have no regrets .
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I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
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They are buried together, in the same grave..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
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My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
This is soul school!.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Why is blood sugar ranging from 70-180 in a day and checked through a glucometer?
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
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My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
So, i spoilt her more .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
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He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
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He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Ive learnt so much.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
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She found it foreign!.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Why do untreated borderlines always blame their partners when they actually think they are normal?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Would this be the day?
I was seconnd youngest,
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But ive been too sick for many years..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Comes on , in middle age.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I said to her
But, we were locked up after school.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I don,t even have a pension.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I write beautiful poetry .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
As i do to all so called friends.?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I couldn’t, believe it.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She loved him until the end.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He knew the spot.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
We were not on the streets..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
It was going to be , some day.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Put me off passion for life!!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
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The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
My life is so biszare .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Who then, do I blame.?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
One cannot live in the past .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She was in good health!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
When she asked me how she looked .
I was scared of men, in general
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
What did i know ?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And i lived it daily.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I will be 64.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My family never makes their pension either.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
All the time i was locked up.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I was 9 years of age.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Im dying but, im not bitter.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Especially a lifetime of it.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I waited trembling.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I was very sick at this time too.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She married twice! .
So whats the point in blame.
I could never make a relationship work though!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
We all went to grammer schools
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But it wasn’t much.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I think the readers, may guess!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She wouldn,t have been !
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor